Can acupuncture be carried out on plants? Hsiao Kui-wen, who specializes in research related to Chinese medicine and traditional therapeutic techniques, has spent 15 years in determining the answer to this question. Now, he has finally discovered the acupuncture pressure points for plants. This enables him to carry out acupuncture on peach trees or apple trees, enabling the plants to ripen faster and enable harvest about a half a month earlier than normal. This also helps to prevent the threat of harm to the fruit from various pests. Hsiao has received a patent on his research from the Ministry of Economic Affairs' Intellectual Property Office. He has already received expressions of interest in the technology from people in the agriculture industry and is presently in talks on transferring the technology.

Hsiao presently operates a center that specializes in addressing spinal problems in people. The clinic is located in Yonghe City of Taipei County. One time by chance he noticed that the petals of a wild ginger flower changed color after different pigments were sprinkled over the flower. This got him to thinking that plants should have pressure points just like people do, and if this is the case, there is no reason that acupuncture could not be carried out. With this idea in mind, he started delving into research in this area.

Seventeen years ago, Hsiao began to engage in cooperative research with fruit orchard farmers at Wuling Farm, and farmers in Shihkang of Taichung and Lalashan of Taoyuan County. He took a camera with him and also carried a notebook in which he wrote down all sorts of details. He spent eight years in finding acupuncture pressure points in plants. He then spent another seven years in carrying out experiments with acupuncture on fruit trees. He has continued with his efforts for 15 years now, and finally his research has "blossomed." The peach trees he has carried out acupuncture on now produce wonderful examples of the fruit. When President Chen Shui-bian went on a state visit to Latin America, he even took boxes of the peaches with him as gifts for his hosts.

As for the needles that he uses for acupuncture on plants, Hsiao Kui-wen uses the steel wire from discarded bicycles. The wire is about three or four times thicker than that of needles used on humans. Hsiao said that he needs to prick a fruit tree in 20 to 30 places in the acupuncture treatment. Some of the points are on the main trunk of the tree, while others are on the branches. He declined to go into detail, as this is precisely the essence of his research, which has now been patented.

Once the acupuncture treatment is completed, he then sprays on a natural growth compound that is extracted from plants. Hsiao said most fruit farmers use agricultural fertilizers or hormones to spark the growth process of the fruit and provide for an abundant harvest. He said that this not only damages the environment, but also has an impact on the health of people.

Hsiao is 66 years old. He said that if he would have been able to successfully develop these techniques 10 years ago, he would have opened up a farm himself. Now, however, he feels he is too old to undertake the task, and therefore desires to transfer the technology. Hsiao said he is determined to keep this technology in Taiwan and not to have the fruits of his research be used to create a competitive edge for agricultural products in China. Hsiao stressed that if fruit trees are able to flower, bud, produce fruit and be harvested earlier than normal, the fruit can get to market ahead of that from other farms. As a result, the price of this fruit will be three to four times higher than fruit grown in traditional ways. He said the new techniques will help to increase the farmers of farmers and enable Taiwanese agriculture to have a competitive edge.

However, an academic from National Taiwan University's Department of Horticulture expressed a reserved attitude on whether acupuncture can in fact increase fruit output and prevent damage by insects. Assistant professor Yeh Teh-ming said that based on changes in various environmental factors, such as changes in temperature, humidity or light, people can already change or hasten the growth cycle of plants. He said that these methods are already in wide use. On the other hand, he said he has rarely heard of plant acupuncture achieving such results. Another assistant professor, Chang Tsu-liang, said that he has heard in the past that there was research being carried out on plant acupuncture by universities in Germany and China. However, he is only aware that research is ongoing, and has not heard of any actual research results or seen scientific evidence that the technique is successful.

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To the lazy asses who couldn't be bothered reading this,

Gist.

• Man is bored. He naturally finds more holes to stick his needles in.
• Since the holes of mammals have already been filled, Man is curious about the others.
• Insects and reptiles are too small. So He targets the plant kingdom.
• Apparently, the art of acupuncture from TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) has found a way to help humans trees bear fruits faster!

"Acupuncture apparently already aiding acnes. Ah!"

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WARNING!
Side-rant to follow.
What is the world coming to? Now then, I'm not subjecting acupuncture to debauchery, but this is quite brilliant. And by "quite" I mean "bloody", and by "brilliant" I mean "moronic".

What's next?

How about sticking needles into the ground to curb earthquakes?


"I'm sure the kind sir will be very pleased."

But hey, let's not stop there!

Let's stick needles into EVERYTHING.

Trigonometry will be SO much easier if we use acupuncture on it.
It would produce results faster, no?

Ah heck, why bother doing homework. If the teacher's the problem, poke her with a needle.

Don't you agree, little Billy?

- - -

"As a result, the price of this fruit will be three to four times higher than fruit grown in traditional ways."

And make it hella more expensive, too.

Stick the needles in the proper points, and poof.

INSTA-FRUIT. JUST ADD NEEDLE.

Oh wait, not that instant, huh? It speeds up the process by... half a month.

At least it's time saved, I suppose.

But wait!

"Once the acupuncture treatment is completed, he then sprays on a natural growth compound that is extracted from plants."



Ha! The irony!

He's using fertiliser!

Geddit, geddit?

You know, because he's using bullshit, that's why I'm calling this bull...

... Bah, never mind. You guys are no fun.